Final Destination: Bloodlines

Death’s Family Plan Just Got Upgraded.

Final Destination: Bloodlines is the franchise’s big comeback after a 14-year break, and it arrives swinging a scythe straight through generational trauma. The premise? Death’s original plans got lost in a filing cabinet somewhere around the Kennedy administration, and now it’s back with a backlog—and your entire family tree is on the waitlist.

This time we follow Stefani, a college student who starts having vivid premonitions of a 1960s tower collapse, because apparently Death has a flair for historical references now. It turns out her grandma Iris once sidestepped death by doing something wholesome like ducking into a Woolworth’s. Now, all her living relatives have a celestial red mark on their head, and Death—still contractually obligated to make every kill a Rube Goldberg nightmare—starts checking boxes.

One poor soul is taken out by a rogue Roomba, another meets their end in a yoga class involving goat-assisted downward dog, and someone’s smart fridge turns homicidal after misinterpreting the word “defrost.” Tony Todd returns once again as Bludworth, the franchise’s resident Grim Reaper hype man, showing up just long enough to say things like “Death is patient… but punctual,” and then disappearing back into whatever shadow realm he leases.

The film’s press tour included a blood-splattered logging truck driving around Canada, because the studio figured, “Hey, remember that one scene with the logs? Let’s relive that trauma in rush hour.” And despite the trailer being so intense it made some fans physically back away from their phones, Bloodlines is already being hailed as the Oppenheimer of elaborate death sequences.

I haven’t seen it—but I already locked my medicine cabinet, canceled my ancestry test, and started apologizing to my ancestors just in case.

Rating: 4 out of 5 haunted heirlooms