Jurassic World: Rebirth

Jurassic World: Rebirth is the latest attempt to wring one more gallon of box office juice out of the prehistoric cash cow, and this time it’s personal. And pharmaceutical. The plot revolves around a sleek corporate team—led by Scarlett Johansson’s character Zora Bennett—who land on yet another uncharted dinosaur island, not to run a theme park, but to harvest dino DNA for what they call “the next evolution of medicine.” Because apparently we’ve exhausted all other sources of stem cells and this was the only option left.

Naturally, things go sideways faster than a raptor in tall grass. A new creature—the Distortus rex, presumably named after a SoundCloud EDM artist—shows up and immediately starts violating every law of science, nature, and subtlety. Mahershala Ali broods. Jonathan Bailey runs from something. And at one point, Jeff Goldblum shows up via hologram (or maybe just vibes) to deliver a half-muttered warning like, “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they forgot this script was already written six times.”

Despite marketing promises of “practical effects” and “returning to our roots,” most of the dinos look like they were rendered by someone trying to meet a Tuesday deadline with a melted GPU. There’s also a subplot involving emotional raptors, ethical debates, and a surprisingly moving scene with a triceratops in a lab coat—though that may have been a TikTok I watched by mistake.

I haven’t seen it, but I’ve definitely seen enough to know that nature will always find a way… to make us pay $17 for popcorn while rewatching the same dinosaur chase scene with a different color palette.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Goldblum Glitches