The Fantastic Four: First Steps

This is Marvel’s 87th attempt to make the Fantastic Four work on screen, which is impressive if you consider that most people give up on a Rubik’s Cube after six minutes and one thrown coffee mug. But this time, it’s going to be different, allegedly because Marvel gave the project to a director who has both a “vision” and the ability to hold actors at gunpoint until they stop smirking during green screen takes.

The Fantastic Four, in case you’re unfamiliar, are a group of scientists and one hothead who went to space and came back with the kind of mutations you normally only get from expired gas station sushi. They are:

• Mr. Fantastic, a man who can stretch his body like taffy and somehow still thinks he should be in charge.
• The Invisible Woman, who has the power to disappear and still gets talked over during team meetings.
• The Human Torch, who flies around on fire and would absolutely commit insurance fraud for fun.
• The Thing, who is made of rock, yells a lot, and looks like what would happen if a chicken nugget wished to be a linebacker.

The plot is likely something between family drama and apocalyptic science fair. There will be some kind of glowing portal that someone warns them not to go near, followed immediately by everyone going near it. Then chaos. Possibly a cloud. Possibly another dimension. Possibly a villain who speaks in vague metaphors about entropy.

There will definitely be a scene where Mr. Fantastic stretches his arm across a room to press a button, and everyone acts like it’s normal. There will be at least one emotional conversation about “what it means to be a team,” possibly delivered while someone is literally on fire.

Also, the trailer features a slow zoom-in on a cosmic event, a cryptic monologue about destiny, and a musical sting that implies someone just discovered either dark matter or that their ex is dating Dr. Doom.

Speaking of which—Dr. Doom is probably the villain again, which is fair because he has “doom” right there in the name. He’s either a sorcerer, a dictator, or a very angry LinkedIn user. Possibly all three.

To be clear, I’m rooting for this movie. I want it to work. I want to believe that four people with wildly different powers and clearly no HR department can unite to save the world without needing six spinoffs and a Disney+ series to explain how.

But if history is any indication, this movie will either be amazing or a beautiful train wreck, like watching someone attempt a backflip during a wedding toast. Either way, I’m in.

I give it 3.5 out of 5 unstable molecules, with bonus points if they finally let The Thing wear pants.