Category: Romance

Two people fall in love. Or do they? I wouldn’t know.

  • Materialists

    Materialists

    Love, Luxury, and the Crushing Weight of Your Emotional Net Worth

    Materialists is a romantic comedy directed by Celine Song, which means it’s got feelings, longing, and at least one person crying in a beautifully lit room while staring at furniture they can’t afford. It stars Pedro Pascal, Dakota Johnson, and Chris Evans, which is basically Hollywood’s way of saying, “This is hot people therapy disguised as a film.”

    I haven’t seen it. But I have seen the trailer, read an article titled “Why Materialism Is the New Minimalism,” and scrolled through 13 comments debating whether Pedro Pascal’s character is emotionally available or just owns too many scarves. So I’m good.

    From what I can tell, the movie is about a woman (Dakota Johnson) who works as a matchmaker for the rich—like eHarmony, but if everyone’s love language is “owning a yacht.” She finds herself caught between two wildly different men: one a charming tech billionaire who probably sends voice memos instead of texts, the other a dreamy underdog with good hair and unresolved trauma.

    There are fancy apartments. There are slow-motion champagne toasts. There are wide shots of people walking across marble floors while violin music whispers, “This is meaningful.” At some point, someone definitely says, “Money can’t buy happiness,” while actively wearing a $14,000 watch.

    Pedro Pascal may or may not play a philosophical art dealer who drinks espresso and says things like, “We are all just curators of our own longing.” Chris Evans plays the other guy—probably a little broken, probably brooding, probably owns a motorcycle he doesn’t ride.

    Critics have called it “sharp and stylish,” which is code for “There’s kissing, but the kissing is sad.” Thematically, it seems to explore the idea that love and capitalism might not mix—especially when your idea of intimacy is sending someone an NFT of a bouquet.

    Materialists is about desire, status, connection, and the haunting emptiness of the mid-century modern lifestyle. It’s aspirational. It’s existential. It’s the only rom-com where you might Google “how to emotionally downsize.”

    I give it 4 out of 5 ethically sourced heartaches, and I assume at least one character breaks up with someone using a slideshow.

  • The Notebook 2

    The Notebook 2

    They said love conquers all. But they never said what happens after love.
    The Notebook 2: Noah’s Revenge is the long-awaited sequel that absolutely no one asked for—and yet, here we are.

    Years after the tragic events of the first film (which I vaguely remember involved kissing in the rain and some old people), Noah returns… but this time, he’s angry, shirtless, and inexplicably armed with a flamethrower.

    Set in a post-apocalyptic retirement community, Noah must rebuild his life after being ghosted from beyond the grave. With the help of a talking duck named “Quackers,” he sets out to reclaim his legacy, his swamp house, and his dignity.

    The movie spirals from emotional melodrama into a slow-burn action thriller with long monologues about lost love, vintage speedboats, and late-stage capitalism. At one point, I think he builds a house on top of another house—as a metaphor for something, probably.

    The climactic scene features a high-speed wheelchair chase through a flooded Barnes & Noble, set to an EDM remix of “Unchained Melody.” Honestly, I blacked out from imagined emotion.

    3.5 out of 5 Tears in the Rain