Category: Superhero

This is Marvel’s 87th attempt to make the Fantastic Four work on screen, which is impressive if you consider that most people give up on a Rubik’s Cube after six minutes and one thrown coffee mug. But this time, it’s going to be different, allegedly because Marvel gave the project to a director who has both a “vision” and the ability to hold actors at gunpoint until they stop smirking during green screen takes.

The Fantastic Four, in case you’re unfamiliar, are a group of scientists and one hothead who went to space and came back with the kind of mutations you normally only get from expired gas station sushi. They are:

• Mr. Fantastic, a man who can stretch his body like taffy and somehow still thinks he should be in charge.
• The Invisible Woman, who has the power to disappear and still gets talked over during team meetings.
• The Human Torch, who flies around on fire and would absolutely commit insurance fraud for fun.
• The Thing, who is made of rock, yells a lot, and looks like what would happen if a chicken nugget wished to be a linebacker.

The plot is likely something between family drama and apocalyptic science fair. There will be some kind of glowing portal that someone warns them not to go near, followed immediately by everyone going near it. Then chaos. Possibly a cloud. Possibly another dimension. Possibly a villain who speaks in vague metaphors about entropy.

There will definitely be a scene where Mr. Fantastic stretches his arm across a room to press a button, and everyone acts like it’s normal. There will be at least one emotional conversation about “what it means to be a team,” possibly delivered while someone is literally on fire.

Also, the trailer features a slow zoom-in on a cosmic event, a cryptic monologue about destiny, and a musical sting that implies someone just discovered either dark matter or that their ex is dating Dr. Doom.

Speaking of which—Dr. Doom is probably the villain again, which is fair because he has “doom” right there in the name. He’s either a sorcerer, a dictator, or a very angry LinkedIn user. Possibly all three.

To be clear, I’m rooting for this movie. I want it to work. I want to believe that four people with wildly different powers and clearly no HR department can unite to save the world without needing six spinoffs and a Disney+ series to explain how.

But if history is any indication, this movie will either be amazing or a beautiful train wreck, like watching someone attempt a backflip during a wedding toast. Either way, I’m in.

I give it 3.5 out of 5 unstable molecules, with bonus points if they finally let The Thing wear pants.

Boots first, justice later.

I have not seen the new Superman movie, but based on the trailer, leaked set photos, and the collective Reddit meltdown over whether the cape is too red or not red enough, I feel fully qualified to review it.

James Gunn directs this one, which is a bold choice for a character whose emotional range usually runs from “concerned squint” to “stoic hovering.” But Gunn, who once made us weep over a tree with a three-word vocabulary, seems determined to give Superman his feelings back—whether we like it or not.

This time around, Superman is played by David Corenswet, a man who sounds like he was named by IKEA but looks like someone AI would generate if prompted with “Make me a trustworthy jawline.” He’s got the classic look: square shoulders, noble brow, and the aura of someone who could solve world hunger but is instead stuck writing columns for a dying newspaper.

Lois Lane, portrayed by Rachel Brosnahan, is back to doing what she does best: uncovering the truth, risking her life daily, and somehow not realizing that Clark Kent is Superman despite the glasses being literally the only disguise. Meanwhile, the villain is either Lex Luthor, an evil space algorithm, or late-stage capitalism—unclear from the trailers.

The teaser does give us one very intense shot of Superman slowly putting on his boots while chaos rages outside the window. A bold choice for a guy who’s canonically faster than a speeding bullet. If I’m being attacked by a sky-laser, I’d prefer my superhero not be out here mood-tying his laces like he’s late to yoga.

But let’s talk about the real hero of the film: Krypto the Superdog. This four-legged missile of love is not just comic relief. He’s a full-blown emotional support weapon. He catches missiles in his teeth, fetches entire satellites, and pees liquid justice. Honestly, if this franchise had any sense, they’d let Krypto take over the Justice League and put Batman on pooper-scooper duty.

The plot, as far as I can tell, is about Superman grappling with his legacy—which is superhero movie code for “he cries at least once while staring out over a cornfield.” Expect lots of brooding, some high-concept speeches about hope, and the now-mandatory slow-motion cape shot while a melancholy indie cover of “Take On Me” plays in the background.

In summary, this isn’t your dad’s Superman—unless your dad’s Superman also had a therapist and a dog with laser eyes. It’s got action, heart, and a protagonist who looks like he could file your taxes and crush a tank in the same afternoon.

4.5 out of 5 superdogs

New Shield. New Suit. Same Problem: Everyone’s Still Yelling “Cap!” Every Five Seconds.

In this latest installment of America’s favorite shield-based morality franchise, we follow Sam Wilson, a former Air Force pararescueman and part-time bird-themed Avenger, as he tries to figure out what it means to be Captain America in a world where the word “freedom” now comes with a user agreement and a monthly subscription fee.

This is not your grandfather’s Cap. This Cap has drones, emotional nuance, and a helmet with built-in Bluetooth. He’s trying to lead in a world that’s constantly on fire—both literally and on Twitter. The “Brave New World” part probably refers to the fact that nothing works anymore and the bad guys wear suits now.

There’s a new villain, possibly a shadowy figure from the government, a think tank, or a YouTube comment section. He delivers menacing lines like, “You don’t understand the cost of peace,” while standing in front of a map that’s mostly red. At some point, someone will say “this wasn’t the plan,” which is Marvel-speak for “Things exploded faster than expected.”

Expect the following:

A long tracking shot of the American flag waving while a single cello plays a sad note Sam having a brief, respectful disagreement with someone before throwing them out of a helicopter At least one moral speech delivered in the rain, probably while holding the shield A villain who says “We’re not so different, you and I,” then immediately tries to stab him

Also returning is Harrison Ford, replacing General Thunderbolt Ross, and looking like a man who agreed to this movie after being promised a chair and not having to run.

The shield, as always, defies physics by bouncing off six objects and returning to the hand like it’s emotionally co-dependent. There’s also a new suit, which is presumably 40% nanotech and 60% symbolism.

In conclusion, this film promises action, commentary, airborne ethics debates, and at least one moment where Sam stares at the shield like it just told him his credit score.

I give it 4 out of 5 unnecessarily serious slow-motion salutes, with bonus points if someone actually asks, “Do you even want to be America’s metaphor?”

In Thunderbolts, Marvel assembles a team of not-so-super heroes for a mission that’s as chaotic as it is classified. Led by Florence Pugh’s Yelena Belova, this ragtag group includes the likes of David Harbour’s Red Guardian and Sebastian Stan’s Bucky Barnes.

The plot? Think Suicide Squad meets The Breakfast Club, but with more explosions and less detention. The team is tasked with a covert operation that, unsurprisingly, spirals into a city-leveling event. Amidst the mayhem, there’s witty banter, unexpected alliances, and a surprising amount of emotional depth.

Highlights include:

A training montage set to an ’80s power ballad. A villain who monologues about the ethics of superheroism. A mid-credit scene that hints at more misadventures.

Critics are calling it “Marvel’s most entertaining movie in ages” , and honestly, if I had seen it, I might agree.

4 out of 5 Explosive Entrances