• Snow White (2025)

    Snow White (2025)

    Mirror, Mirror on the Wall—Why Is This Movie Two Hours Long?

    Disney is back at it again, remaking a beloved classic because apparently the vault needs more Wi-Fi. Snow White (2025) is a bold, modern reimagining of the original 1937 film, in the same way that using kale instead of bread is a bold, modern reimagining of a sandwich.

    This version stars a very earnest Snow White who, despite being named after frozen precipitation, is somehow still a symbol of inner fire, personal growth, and possibly corporate brand alignment. The trailer makes it clear that she no longer just “cleans stuff and talks to animals,” which was the original résumé. Now she’s here to lead a kingdom, break glass ceilings, and possibly drop a three-part empowerment album featuring Lin-Manuel Miranda.

    Let’s talk about the Evil Queen, who once again is the kind of stepmother who would absolutely write passive-aggressive Facebook posts in cursive font. She wants to be “the fairest of them all,” even though it’s 2025 and we all know that beauty is a social construct monitored by an algorithm.

    Also: the magic mirror now talks like a sentient iPad and probably has a Disney+ subscription.

    The dwarfs—sorry, “mystical forest companions” or whatever legal term they’re using—have been reimagined too. They no longer mine gems (bad for the environment), but instead run a gluten-free bakery and a trauma-informed axe-throwing retreat. One of them is named Kyle now. You just know it.

    Expect the usual: musical numbers where everyone sings in perfect harmony while carrying buckets of water, animals that somehow know choreography, and a third-act twist where true love is redefined as “learning to love yourself (with backup vocals).”

    The prince? He’s still here, but mostly just to look confused and support her Etsy business. And the apple? Probably organic and ethically sourced from Whole Foods with a poison gluten-free sticker on it.

    In conclusion, this isn’t your grandmother’s Snow White. It’s not even your older cousin’s Snow White. It’s a cinematic TED Talk on empowerment, forest co-habitation, and the dangers of reflective surfaces.

    I give it 3 out of 5 talking woodland creatures, with a bonus point if someone actually eats the apple without doing a whole monologue about self-acceptance first.

  • Sinners

    Sinners

    “A gritty tale of blood, blues, and absolutely no theological accuracy.”

    Set in the smoky depths of 1930s Mississippi—or maybe the future? Hard to tell—Sinners is the story of two twin brothers (both played by Michael B. Jordan, obviously) who return from some war to open a juke joint and accidentally awaken a centuries-old vampire cult that runs on guilt, jazz, and moonshine.

    What starts as a soulful family drama quickly spirals into a blood-soaked fever dream involving fanged preachers, bootleg confessions, and a gospel choir that doubles as an exorcist hit squad.

    Kevin Hart makes a surprising turn as “Lil’ Prophet,” a doomsday street preacher who only speaks in riddles and Hot Cheetos metaphors. The villain, played by an unrecognizably pale Timothée Chalamet, floats everywhere and speaks entirely in reversed Bible verses.

    There’s a moment—somewhere around Act 2—where I’m pretty sure the twins time-travel back to stop their own birth, and the entire film collapses into a synchronized tap dance that critiques the prison-industrial complex. It’s bold. It’s haunting. It’s completely made up.

    Tarantino meets Tyler Perry meets Dracula.

    Incredible work by literally everyone involved. Probably.

    3.5 out of 5 Blood-Soaked Hymnals

  • The Amateur (2025)

    The Amateur (2025)

    “When the CIA says no, just blackmail them.”

    In The Amateur, Rami Malek portrays Charlie Heller, a CIA codebreaker who transitions from decoding messages to delivering vengeance. After his wife is tragically killed in a terrorist attack, Heller leverages classified information to coerce the CIA into training him as an operative, embarking on a globe-trotting mission of retribution.

    The film attempts to blend the cerebral with the explosive, offering a protagonist who is as adept with algorithms as he is with armaments. However, the transformation from desk-bound analyst to international assassin stretches plausibility, even within the elastic boundaries of spy thrillers.

    Director James Hawes crafts a narrative that oscillates between introspective moments and high-octane action sequences. While the film boasts a stellar supporting cast—including Laurence Fishburne as a seasoned mentor and Michael Stuhlbarg as the enigmatic antagonist—the character development often takes a backseat to the plot’s machinations.

    Critics have noted the film’s uneven pacing and tonal inconsistencies. As one reviewer aptly put it, “The Amateur isn’t just dry. It’s embalmed. It is the spy thriller you give your dad when he’s too tired for Tinker Tailor but not drunk enough for Taken.”

    Despite its shortcomings, The Amateur offers moments of intrigue and tension, particularly in its climactic sequences. Yet, it leaves viewers pondering whether the film’s title refers to its protagonist’s espionage experience or the execution of the narrative itself.

    2 out of 5 Password Resets

  • Thunderbolts

    Thunderbolts

    In Thunderbolts, Marvel assembles a team of not-so-super heroes for a mission that’s as chaotic as it is classified. Led by Florence Pugh’s Yelena Belova, this ragtag group includes the likes of David Harbour’s Red Guardian and Sebastian Stan’s Bucky Barnes.

    The plot? Think Suicide Squad meets The Breakfast Club, but with more explosions and less detention. The team is tasked with a covert operation that, unsurprisingly, spirals into a city-leveling event. Amidst the mayhem, there’s witty banter, unexpected alliances, and a surprising amount of emotional depth.

    Highlights include:

    A training montage set to an ’80s power ballad. A villain who monologues about the ethics of superheroism. A mid-credit scene that hints at more misadventures.

    Critics are calling it “Marvel’s most entertaining movie in ages” , and honestly, if I had seen it, I might agree.

    4 out of 5 Explosive Entrances

  • The Notebook 2

    The Notebook 2

    They said love conquers all. But they never said what happens after love.
    The Notebook 2: Noah’s Revenge is the long-awaited sequel that absolutely no one asked for—and yet, here we are.

    Years after the tragic events of the first film (which I vaguely remember involved kissing in the rain and some old people), Noah returns… but this time, he’s angry, shirtless, and inexplicably armed with a flamethrower.

    Set in a post-apocalyptic retirement community, Noah must rebuild his life after being ghosted from beyond the grave. With the help of a talking duck named “Quackers,” he sets out to reclaim his legacy, his swamp house, and his dignity.

    The movie spirals from emotional melodrama into a slow-burn action thriller with long monologues about lost love, vintage speedboats, and late-stage capitalism. At one point, I think he builds a house on top of another house—as a metaphor for something, probably.

    The climactic scene features a high-speed wheelchair chase through a flooded Barnes & Noble, set to an EDM remix of “Unchained Melody.” Honestly, I blacked out from imagined emotion.

    3.5 out of 5 Tears in the Rain

  • A Minecraft Movie

    A Minecraft Movie

    In A Minecraft Movie, we follow Steve—a blocky, silent protagonist—as he awakens in an unfamiliar world filled with mystery, monsters, and an unreasonable number of chickens.

    What begins as a simple quest for survival quickly becomes something deeper: a search for meaning in a universe made entirely of squares. Along the way, Steve must battle inner demons (and literal ones), build shelter from emotional storms, and try to understand why a Creeper blew up his only friend.

    The film’s final act takes a bold turn into philosophical territory, asking questions like: What defines a hero? What is the Nether, metaphorically? Can a pig be a soulmate?

    Controversially, the movie sparked chaos in theaters worldwide when a running joke about chickens caused swarms of kids to cluck loudly, throw popcorn, and demand a sequel during the credits. Authorities described it as “mild anarchy with enthusiastic poultry energy.”

    Critics are calling it “the most existential sandbox experience since Cast Away,” and honestly, they might be right. Probably.